Who didn't replace the TP?
Ok, so that's just a little lead in...
If there's one thing in life that is a huge pet peeve its when someone uses the last of the TP and doesn't replace it... or leaves around 3 squares for the next person which hardly anything to use!
But, I'm the low man on the totem pole at work, right? Not a horrible thing. But what kills me are the little things that I get asked to do... when it's just as easy for the person who notices to do it. What would happen if I wasn't here? I would hope it'd get done. So why is it different for me being here? I just don't get it. Am I strange for that?
Food Drive -- The need for faith and the banishment of unbelief
I am being SO challenged right now! I feel that I am in a battle... I see it and know it. Its a battle of faith and tearing down unbelief. Am I winning?
Last year we had 10 stores for the food drive. This year we have 8 stores, with 3 new home groups. I was still very optimistic. One home group per each store entrance. And as we are doing our confirmation calls this week, I get word that one store is dropping us to one entrance. Ok, that's 13 entrances. We can do that. Oh, and we are sharing another entrance for a different store. Will the drop never end? I feel my heart sinking... Lord, help me to have faith and trust in you! "I do believe; help me ovecome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)
There have been many words to expect increase -- 100 fold. Last week was a hard week for me in this. But Marcy's word Sunday made me stand up anew and proclaim "YES!" Of course, I should know and come to expect these types of battles. I've just never had them before with regards to the food drive. I've never felt such warfare. Why now?
Phase Two.
I know this just gives a platform for God to display HIS GLORY (isn't that what Sunday was about??! Hello, Stephanie! Get with it!) but I also see two other things the Lord is dealing with in me. First, am I trusting in Him. Secondly, do I believe this has to do with me, or is this all His? The more I see myself get anxious the more I hear Him say "relax.... I think I can do this". Sort of like that cute little thing (I don't remember it word for word) that says "Hello, this is God. I won't be needing your help today." The other thing is the more I try to get my hands in it, the more He is saying that in and of myself I am worthless. I kept hearing that word "you are nothing"... and I kept saying that in worship. "Without you, I am nothing". Wow, there is a huge range of emotions (don't trust emotions! [I'm trying not to!]) and thoughts concerning this.
Is there anyone else praying for food drive? REALLY interceding? Does anyone else feel this burden (positive burden) about the food drive? I hope so! Nothing is done except on a foundation of prayer.
Lord, help me this week! I need you!
Ever have one of those days...
How about one of those years?
I'm not happy at work right now. I feel as though the quality is lacking and I greatly dislike feeling like things are slipping. Today wasn't a particularly good day to be thinking about this stuff .... our puller called in because her back was hurting. So I'm pulling and ironically, it's the one day that my back is killing me from working late on my laptop in bed last night. I need to sleep with a heating pad tonight to help ease the pain.
I know that one of the lies that comes in is that I'm all alone when I'm at work. There are times I feel as though I'm wading through peanut butter and no one knows, understands or cares. I understand intellectually that everyone else is feeling the same but I feel as though no one is willing to stand up and speak out about it. And who am I that I should? And what would be the proper way to do that? Should anything be said at all?
Liz told me I needed to just relax. I get too uptight. That is certainly NOT what I want to be known for. But if just relaxing means lowering the standards, I don't think so. I won't do that. What's the balance with grace and expectation?
I'm tired. That isn't helping, I'm sure. I feel weary today, physically and emotionally. But no time to deal with that.... I need to go pull and prepare myself for my BLS meeting. I find it so amusing (NOT!) that my BLS meetings always seem to be on the worst days at work.
What are you after Lord? What is in me that is so wrong to deserve all this? I say I believe you are good in all you bring to me but right now I am not sure I believe that. I feel picked on. Help me, Lord! I need your comfort and your deliverance if I'm to survive. I want to do more than just "hang in there". I want to overcome!
Family....
I love my family but sometimes they are my greatest test. I had a very difficult conversation with my step-parents last night. They do not understand how I make decisions... I wait for a word from the Lord and they just make the decision and then figure God will show them in some way (lightening bolt from the sky, someone cancels, etc.) that their decision is wrong. It is causing quite a bit of conflict between us, especially with the holidays coming up. My step dad is wanting to sit down and have a long serious talk with me about some of these things... Namely, my house, how I make decisions, that church of mine and those people.... ack. I dislike the connotations that come, saying that I'm in the wrong -- wrong home, wrong church, wrong city, etc. I'm just praying that the Lord gives me peace, words to speak in response (not in reaction!), that I be spirit-led and that none of last night's conversation colors my decision. It's such a battle of fear of man.
I asked the Lord, "How did you feel?" He went through it. I wish I had some inclination of the emotions he felt when his family and the community of his hometown was wanting to hush him up. Was he sad? Did he cry? Was he grieved? What were there comments and conversations like? I have a difficult time trying to figure out what I
should be feeling. I'm hurt but I mostly because my mom makes it seem as though I've wounded her greatly -- after all, I don't want to come home for Thanksgiving. (Must I even say that those words not once were spoken, nor are they felt one bit! My obedience to the Lord though is what I'm seeking and without the Word of the Lord to obey, I'm in a holding pattern.)
I really felt the Lord lay two passages on my heart:
Matthew 12:46-50 (New International Version)
Jesus' Mother and Brothers
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood
outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
All my questions (except for the emotional aspect) is answered here. Jesus made a distinction between his blood family and his true family being those who went for the Kingdom and obeyed God. I'm not sure I'd have the strength to respond the same way to my family. Somewhere else in the Gospels is says that unless you hate your mother and father and sister and brother, you are not fit for the Kingdom. I feel that so piercing!
James 1:2-7
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Do I consider it a joy to be facing this issue? Honestly? No. I don't. But I'm supposed to. How do I get there?! I need the perseverance. The testing of my faith -- my trust in the Lord -- develops that. And I can feel this is a test! I feel the weight of this. There's something in this that makes me complete? What could that be? I know that if I cannot address the concerns my family has WITH my family, then I'll not be able to satisfactorily answer the same issues with a stranger.
I've been crying out for wisdom, especially today. Wipe out unbelief, Lord! Give me a fear of the Lord and demolish the fear of man! That is such a stronghold for me...
Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!
I am so tired... I feel like someone drilled a hole in my head and let everything dribble out....
*sighs* I hope I make it through the meeting tonight ....
Budgeting -- Trusting in God's Goodness 101
I have this budget and it is so hard for me. I feel constrained but that's one of those areas I was mentioning in a post online earlier today -- dying to self -- I was really praying this morning that I wouldn't see the constraint as bad, but would trust and believe in God's goodness and that he has only good things for me. That is so hard! Intellectually, it's easy. "I believe in your goodness Lord! Praise the Lord!" BUT! The choices day by day to live by it is a bit harder.
I have a funny story though! I needed a pumpkin but it is two days after Halloween and pumpkins are almost all gone, nowhere to be found! But I called Albertsons and they had three, and yes, would hold one for me. I was grateful. I had a few things to buy and when I asked the produce manager how much the pumpkin was, he said that if I just bought what I had already picked out, I could come back and take the pumpkin for free. Woo Hoo! Free pumpkin! (He mentioned they had been selling them for 24 cents a pound....)
Well, I love sugar free popsicles. Its an allowed "sweet" on my South Beach Diet and as such within my parameters for food from the Lord. Well, usually they are $4.99 a box of 24. Not cheap. I'm on a budget and usually Albertsons is much cheaper than the other store, so I thought, before I checked out, I'd stop and see how much they were. I was shocked. They were 3 boxes of 24 for $8.88. WOW! What a difference! So I got three. It were these three boxes run up first. 3 boxes for $11.07. What? They're on sale. Oh ok. There you go. Well, you took off 10% but the were still cheaper. They were supposed to be 3 for $8.88. Really? Let me check. You're right, they are!
The checker scratched some math on the sheet of paper. Now she's already removed $1.11 from the balance. Not being able to figure out the math, she said she'd just take off a box and then did so AND took off another $1! Now everything in my order should have been around $14, plus tax. My total bill came to $8.67. The popsicles alone should have been $8.88. THAT was the Lord's goodness shown to me as well as the practical example of how, when I try to be obedient to the Lord, and see that everything he gives me is good, then I get his good in abundance.
Do I consistently believe he is good? That he has only good things for me?
Psalm 34 says "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."
My problem? I don't seek him enough. I don't take refuge in him. I don't fear him enough.
Lord, I need to know what it is to fear you... to know you are holy and obedience to the things you have set forth for me is not optional but a must. I need you! I cannot do this on my own. I long to live in obedience consistently. Give me a heart of submission... there is none like you!
There is no one like "Mom"
And I have the benefit of having two!
I struggle with my natural mom, Janet. I feel as though there are times I do not know or understand her. She's been in the background of my life for most of my life. I lived with and was raised by my dad and step-mom, David and Donna.
I grew up calling both women "Mom" and so that causes great confusion for people sometimes. But there is still no one quite like "Mom". She's the one who stayed up all night with me when I was sick. She's the one who grieved when she was told I wouldn't live through the night when I was on life support from spinal meningitis. That was my step-mom, Donna. She holds a special part of my heart.
It amazes me how the Lord worked this whole thing of adoption. That one could love someone like they are their flesh and blood when they are not is a mystery to me, and yet its the perfect example of Christ's love for me -- for us! No obligation, and yet -- love! He calls me his own. Mom calls me her own.
What precipitated all this thought? I got an email from my mom. I finally got her work email and as such, got direct contact with her. Her husband monitors the email at home and so I don't get personal emails from her at home. But she emailed me and I smiled and felt warm and fuzzy inside when I got it. In it she told me she wanted me to come for Thanksgiving, that it would be great to have me home. I felt loved and wanted.
It is such a lie to the enemy that removes that same feeling from us of the Lord. He loves me and wants me! But the thought that came in when I started to think of my Thanksgiving plans is "where would I go?" Other singles are already invited to families' homes for the holiday. I became very insecure and began to feel unwanted. And then mom's email came, telling me I was more than welcome. Can I just say that I am so intensely amazed at how the Lord has just
now showed me how this happens with me and the Lord!! The orphan spirit comes in and says that I am not wanted. Jesus, my Daddy, comes in and says, "I desire you! I want you to come home!"
Oh Lord, I miss you so much. I didn't realize until now how far I've turned from you. Any distance from you is too much! I say to you, orphan spirit, that you have no place here. I have my place -- with my Daddy -- and it is secure! No longer do I choose to wander, but I am coming home.
Creativity -- I love it!
I'm really excited. You know how I make cards? Ok, well if you don't, I do! I make a variety of handmade cards which I give away. In the year and a half I've been doing them, I must have made and given away newarly 100 of them. Last Christmas alone I made and gave out 30 cards. The other night, my cardmaking session produced 31 new cards!
Well, a friend of Aunt Jeanna's (Kristy) owns the shop that Jeanna leases a hair station from and Kristy loves my cards! She's asked me to make her some which she will buy from me in January. Also, if I make some Christmas cards, she said she'd sell them in her shop. I can charge from $2-$3 a card which is quite reasonable for handmade, from what she said. I've also started to make cards for outreaches and so that money can go for more supplies and rubber stamps. I'm also hosting a huge cardmaking party with ladies from my home group at church.
I'm so excited to be doing this. It is something I find great joy and fulfillment from. I'm considering making a catalog with either examples or with pictures of cards I've made.
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