My Daddy's a King

Family....

I love my family but sometimes they are my greatest test. I had a very difficult conversation with my step-parents last night. They do not understand how I make decisions... I wait for a word from the Lord and they just make the decision and then figure God will show them in some way (lightening bolt from the sky, someone cancels, etc.) that their decision is wrong. It is causing quite a bit of conflict between us, especially with the holidays coming up. My step dad is wanting to sit down and have a long serious talk with me about some of these things... Namely, my house, how I make decisions, that church of mine and those people.... ack. I dislike the connotations that come, saying that I'm in the wrong -- wrong home, wrong church, wrong city, etc. I'm just praying that the Lord gives me peace, words to speak in response (not in reaction!), that I be spirit-led and that none of last night's conversation colors my decision. It's such a battle of fear of man.

I asked the Lord, "How did you feel?" He went through it. I wish I had some inclination of the emotions he felt when his family and the community of his hometown was wanting to hush him up. Was he sad? Did he cry? Was he grieved? What were there comments and conversations like? I have a difficult time trying to figure out what I should be feeling. I'm hurt but I mostly because my mom makes it seem as though I've wounded her greatly -- after all, I don't want to come home for Thanksgiving. (Must I even say that those words not once were spoken, nor are they felt one bit! My obedience to the Lord though is what I'm seeking and without the Word of the Lord to obey, I'm in a holding pattern.)

I really felt the Lord lay two passages on my heart:

Matthew 12:46-50 (New International Version)
Jesus' Mother and Brothers
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood
outside, wanting to speak to him. Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."

All my questions (except for the emotional aspect) is answered here. Jesus made a distinction between his blood family and his true family being those who went for the Kingdom and obeyed God. I'm not sure I'd have the strength to respond the same way to my family. Somewhere else in the Gospels is says that unless you hate your mother and father and sister and brother, you are not fit for the Kingdom. I feel that so piercing!

James 1:2-7
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Do I consider it a joy to be facing this issue? Honestly? No. I don't. But I'm supposed to. How do I get there?! I need the perseverance. The testing of my faith -- my trust in the Lord -- develops that. And I can feel this is a test! I feel the weight of this. There's something in this that makes me complete? What could that be? I know that if I cannot address the concerns my family has WITH my family, then I'll not be able to satisfactorily answer the same issues with a stranger.

I've been crying out for wisdom, especially today. Wipe out unbelief, Lord! Give me a fear of the Lord and demolish the fear of man! That is such a stronghold for me...

posted by imallforgod @ 11:33 AM